walls of the city

Piranah 3D: Exactly as advertised – one part gratuitous bloodshed, one part gratuitous nudity, one part gratuitous 3D-ness, and one part gratuitously idiotic characters… liberally blended with appropriate cameo appearances from Richard Dreyfuss and Christopher Lloyd.

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The Happening: I had heard that this particular film was… bad… but I wanted to see the disaster for myself, and, coincidentally, it would appear as though its detractors were correct – that was, most probably, the single worst piece of Hollywood excrement I have ever had the misfortune of…

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Lost: Well, damn, that actually made sense (and, yes, I mean that in all seriousness, without any sarcasm or snark in my voice – I honestly do not see what people were confused about).

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Inception: The story is damned near as old as time, and the ending was predictable from about 10 minutes in, but both were handled magnificently, the graphics and effects were stunning, and the seamlessness of it all left you breathless… though I cannot say as though it raised my somewhat…

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Ninja Assasin: If you have any appreciation, at all, for over-the-top violence, excessive quantities of blood, fairly decent martial arts (that have been gratuitously augmented by special effects and Lord knows what else), well-built young men, or movies that make no bones about being nothing more than a long-term slug-fest,…

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Predators: For a movie that was unnecessarily hamstrung by using Adrien Brody as the lead “tough guy”, employing a script that involved far too much talking and far too little gratuitous violence, having far too many editing gaffes (not the least of which were clearly visible wires throughout), using…

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The A-Team: Aside from a distinct lack of pitying fools, and squishing THE VAN far too early in the movie (What? The previews showed you that…), it was more than appropriately ludicrously absurd, the new actors chosen for the old roles filled the shoes left by their predecessors fairly well,…

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Hot Tub Time Machine: Not even the supposedly-”unrated” nature of the version I saw, nor even the offbeat humor of John Cusack, could save this movie from a solid, “Ok, I would like my two hours back… NOW,” at the end of it.

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Did You Hear About the Morgans?: For being a movie about New York City aristocracy, it portrayed firearms in a remarkably positive light, with the main character’s life not only being saved by the judicious use of privately-owned firearms, but also one with firearm being wielded by an open carrier,…

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The Spirit: I am sure Hollywood thought it could simply take the Sin City equation and style, apply it to any movie, and make copious amounts of money; I am sure it might help if I actually knew the storyline or read the comics beforehand; and I am sure…

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The Box: Well, gos-se, that was a colossal waste of everyone’s time, made all the more atrocious by the otherwise promising underlying story – a story that was ultimately adulterated into that moronic big-screen presentation.

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Iron Man 2: Aside from some annoying overtones and undertones (including, but not limited to, technological pessimism, and “we are from the government, so we are going to take your personal invention (which is undoubtedly patented, copyrighted, trademarked, and intellectual property of an individual and very large company)…

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The Boondock Saints: First seeing this movie in college, I was completely blown away at its presentation, style, and overall message, especially given the controversial interwinding of morality and violence, even moreso in light of the Kitty Genovese tie-in, and doubly so due to it being a…

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Clash of the Titans (2010): This was certainly not the worst remake I have ever seen, and if you are interested in topping off your yearly requirements of buff Grecians whipping mythological creature’s arses, it will certainly help you out (though not as much as I had hoped, unfortunately), but…

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Land of the Lost (2009): Unless you have some odd and potentially sick infatuation with Will Farrell, I would not bother wasting my time or money, were I you – for me, it is already too late.

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The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008): I am being both polite and considerate when I describe this movie as a mindnumbingly boring remake of an original classic that has been unnecessarily, irreverantly, and pathetically perverted into being nothing more than a hardcore environmentalist’s warped wet dream.

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Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief: Harry Potter set in the loose framework of Greek mythology… only with most of the characters being glaringly ignorant of Greek mythology.

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Alice in Wonderland: Billed as something of a sequel to the original story, this actually turned out to be yet another in a long line of rehashes of much the same plot, with much the same characters and outcome (and potentially some ideas stolen from some other rehashes)……

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Law Abiding Citizen: The main character assuredly did not live up to the title, but if you are interested in a rather disturbing condemnation of the American legal system wherein lines become remarkably blurred, this is probably your movie… as long as you do not mind a not-quite-as-bad-as-No-Country-for-Old-Men-but-close ending…

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Couples Retreat: Vince Vaughn successfully proves that his biggest single defect as an actor – his complete and utter unwillingness to let a joke go even though the joke in question is beaten, dead, and decaying – is also his biggest single defect as a writer.

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Dragonball: Evolution: In all honesty, I only watched this movie because of James Marster’s (of Buffy: The Vampire Slayer and Smallville fame) role as “Piccolo”, however, if the movie had managed to take itself just a little less seriously, it honestly would not have been all that bad……

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Død Snø (Dead Snow): Zombieland is unquestionably the greatest zombie movie of all time, however, Dead Snow is easily the best foreign zombie movie… which may not be saying much, but you still need to see it.

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Gamer: Think “Gladiator in the 21st century”, only no quite as good and the family survives.

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Legion: Mediocre action, paltry gun porn, uninspired acting, and seriously screwed up theology – an underwhelming, disappointing “meh” if there ever was one.

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The Book of Eli: Ho. Ly. Crap. Kevin says it better than I could, but if you have not seen it yet, you should.

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Idiocracy: Hey, I know some of those people… wait a second… was this not supposed to be a work of fiction?

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Sherlock Holmes: There is going to be a sequel and I cannot say that is a bad thing.

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Funny People: Not so much, really… in fact, not at all.

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Carriers: It is almost sad, the things people will do to pay the bills, especially when the people in question have already scored the lead role in Star Trek.

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Basic Instinct 1 and 2: Aside from a paltry excuse to see Sharon Stone naked (and these days, who has not?), what was the point?

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2012: Bogus science abounds, but if you are just there for the gratuitous special effects (which, thankfully, I was), then you should be good to go.

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Drag Me to Hell: Is it heresy for me to find this more formulaically boring than amusing, or even scary?

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Zombieland: I am going to have to go with Tam on this one.

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I know I am a little behind on this movie, but Donnie Darko bloody well should have come with an instruction manual.

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Ghosts of Girlfriends Past is just A Christmas Carol with boobs – how can you go wrong?

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Pandorum is pretty much Event Horizon with a happy ending.

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My one-line review of Fred Claus:
Unending moral relativism and demonization of personal responsibility ineffectively hidden behind a perforated facade of craptacular, off-tempo attempts at humor.
In short, try not to waste your money.

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Maria Bello is no Rachel Weisz (Rachel is actually hot.), but nothing beats a Yeti kicking a field goal… and another calling it.

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