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"walls of the city" logo conceptualized by Oleg Volk and executed by Linoge. Logo is © "walls of the city".

one-line review: this is the end

This Is The End:  Jesus Christ on a Pogo Stick, people actually paid money to see this in the theater?  Willingly?  Consciously?  And then they brought it back to the theaters to have another run? 

Good God. 

And, hell, I wasted $1.20 to watch it myself; Redbox should count themselves lucky they do not have a return policy. 

(Yes, this review was over one sentence in length, but the movie was that [...]

one-line review: skyfall

Skyfall – So it took them 2.5 hours to explain to us, in exquisite detail, how much the next, not one but, two James Bond movies were going to suck. 

(What happened to Craig only doing four movies?  That was the glimmering hope I bitterly clung to…) 

one-line review: warm bodies

Warm Bodies:  It was no Zombieland (and, really, I have to doubt any movie will ever live up to that epicness), and it had a fair bit more romance than I typically appreciate in my zombie movies (but, of course, you knew that going in*), but they pulled off an almost complete subversion of the trope fairly well, without getting too Twilight-y. 

(* – And, really, how many zombie movies were not romances in [...]

one-line review: the last stand

The Last Stand – Aside from the non-stop Government Motors advertising (in the movie itself) and the epic levels of misrepresentation of the capabilities of firearms and other projectile-launching devices… well, it was worth a giggle in spots, and Arnie is getting old. 

(Also, based on the number of prequels featuring him, Bruce Willis must have cloned himself or something…) 

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one-line review: the watch

The Watch: If it were not for the non-stop profanities, stereotypes, “adult” potty humor, and almost-complete lack of any real comedy, it could have been an entertaining movie. 

one-line review: red dawn

Red Dawn – Once you get past the absolute implausibility of North Korea attacking anyone, much less with sufficient ground forces to occupy anywhere, it actually was not the worst remake I have ever seen… but that does not set the bar very high, does it? 

one-line review: atlas shrugged, part two

Atlas Shrugged, Part Two: I will not say it was the best movie ever, but I will say they did the best job they probably could with the source material they had, although some of the set errors just grated on my nerves.

To expand on the point, the second one was probably better than the first, the new actors seemed more-suited to their roles (though Dagny was as wooden as in the first [...]

one-line review: batman: the dark knight rises

The Dark Knight Rises:  While this is unquestionably the best ending to a trilogy I have ever seen, and while it was an eminently suitable ending to this particular storyline, this installation of the series was the first and only time I heartily disagreed with their specific casting… but darned if that is the only real “complaint” I have. 

(Sidebar 1:  Damned if the Nolan brothers did not do a wonderful portrayal of what [...]

one-line review: iron sky

Iron Sky – If they had stuck with the campy humor and positively stunning visual effects (made all the more impressive by this movie’s limited, crowd-sourced budget), it could have been epic; as it was, the "Herp derp, America’s stupid! And Sarah Palin’s stupid! And, oh, by the way, America’s stupid!" attempts at "humor" consumed far too much of the movie’s time and severely detracted from the "ZOMG, Nazi’s on the MOON" incredulity of it. [...]

one-line review: abraham lincoln: vampire hunter

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter – The best part of the movie was unquestionably Benjamin Walker’s portrayal of one of the more colorful Presidents in our nation’s history, but given Burton’s and Bekmambetov’s names on the credit lists, I rather expected to be able to say better of it than just that.

one-line review: prometheus

Prometheus: … Oh, never mind, just go read this.

(Though, I swear to God, I am completely blaming Ridley Scott if society never manages to accept the notion of human-like androids; that man has single-handedly done more damage to that cause than Isaac Asimov ever could have dreamed of…) 

one-line review: battleship

Battleship – It may be based off a game, its actual ties to that game might be a little… tenuous, and the "I believe" button-whacking may have been hard and fast*, but you did not really think about that during the movie much, and damned if it was not exactly what it was advertised to be – a delicious-computer-graphics-filled visual orgy documenting the United States Navy kicking some unfriendly aliens’ ass, and I can live [...]

one-line review: the avengers

The Avengers – Joss Whedon has been my master for years now, so that did not change a whole lot; instead, allow me to say this: while it may not have been the best movie ever, The Avengers was unquestionably the best execution of the non-stop comic-book-adapted-to-movie concept Hollywood seems so very fond of these days, and they did an absolutely amazing job pulling together all of those disparate characters and personalities in a believable [...]

one-line review: paul

Paul: This is quite possibly the funniest, most irreverent, spoofiest, and definitely the most crude science fiction comedy I have seen in a very long time, and stands a very good chance of knocking Galaxy Quest off its well-deserved, parodical throne.

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one-line review: darkest hour

The Darkest Hour: Superficially, this could have been nothing more than a popcorn-worthy scifi/horror romp (especially since the director was also responsible for such previous romps as Night Watch, Day Watch, and the more widely-known Wanted), but, Jesus Christ on a pogo stick, its plot holes were big enough to drive the prison station from Lockout through, and its bad writing, worse acting, and wasted concept launched it right past "So Bad It’s Good" and [...]

one-line review: lockout

Lockout:  So Luc Besson has made an industry about transforming beautiful violence into semi-decent movies, and while this particular iteration came nowhere near living up to Banlieu 13, the deadpan delivery of appropriate one-liners by Guy Pearce pretty much made up for it; though the glaring plot holes and storyline inconsistencies were completely inescapable. 

one-line review: rise of the planet of the apes

Rise of the Planet of the Apes – To put it as concisely as possible, the movie ended on a high note; if you do not see the problems inherent in that bit of cinematography, you share something in common with the writers: neither of you actually bothered to watch the original movies.

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one-line review: john carter of mars

John Carter of Mars: My only complaint – and this should tell you something – was that there was not enough red. 

one-line review: act of valor

Act of Valor: In this day and age, I sincerely hope and pray they would not actually need it, but should the SEALs ever find themselves desiring a recruitment video, I dare say this would do in a pinch (though, be forewarned – they do not shy away from the cold, hard realities of special forces operations, and they put you through an emotional wringer at the end).

(Brief aside to the nitwits amongst [...]

one-line review: the thing

The Thing: Apparently this was intended as a prequel to the John Carpenter 1982 classic, but suffice to say that despite the advances in special effects and CGI in the intervening 30 years, the newer version does not even measure up to the older one, maybe because it was so reliant on the eye-candy.

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