you are cordially invited to pucker up and…

I have an increasingly nagging suspicion I am not going to make it to wherever I am going the next time I try to board a commercial air flight, which is unfortunate, because I have not seen my parents in a while.

Why? Because flying across the country is neither affordable nor easy any more.

Oh, the other why? Because if some spineless, high-school drop-out tells me to "Freeze", I am just going to keep on walking.

Make no mistake – the Thousands of Sexual Assaulters are not law-enforcement officers, they have no law-enforcement powers, and they are not legally empowered to detain you for any reasons. That said, they can, have, and will call over a legitimate police officer to detain you should they feel as though you are not respecting their authority as much as they might want, but something tells me they will be too busy during one of these idiotic "Freeze" drills to really do anything.

Of course, on the flip side, I am sorely tempted to wear my kilt – properly, at that – to go through security on the way into the gate, though I still need to come up with some appropriately demeaning, insulting, but not actionable things to say to the assaulter tasked to me should I end up in the nudie-scan line. And, yes, I do intend on making it personal – that jackoff voluntarily chose to take a job where he/she would be called upon to molest and assault hundreds of people a day, and invade the privacy of thousands of others; if they had wanted to retain any chance respect or standing in my eyes, they should not have done that.

13 thoughts on “you are cordially invited to pucker up and…”

  1. There is a great spoof video i saw somewhere on this.
    But seriously You need to add 2 hrs to your flight time and then maybe a little for the other end, suddenly its quicker to drive. Not to mention easier and probably cheaper. I have hated flying from the first time i did it, not the flying, the rest of it. I would sooner walk.

  2. What kills me about those freeze drills are the reports that other passengers are scolding the people that know their rights and keep walking.

    “You’re supposed to stop.”
    “The hell I am.”

  3. Tell them “If you’re looking for first prize… I already won”. Then produce a blue ribbon from underneath your kilt. 🙂

    Carry a stuffed sheep with you and ask them to “search your girlfriend first”.

    Disavowed With Honor

  4. What do you expect? This is what we’ve been taught since kindergarten!

    Act like the others, don’t be different, and anybody in a uniform or authority position can’t be wrong.

  5. Being my wife is mostly deaf, if her ear with the hearing aid isn’t towards the TSA goon she won’t hear the command and will keep going. As will I.

  6. @ dave w: Unfortunately, driving from Knoxville to Seattle simply is not on the list of things we are going to be doing in the near future. We do not get enough vacation time in the year to make it worthwhile, especially since we would be looking at at least 4 days of travel on both sides of the visit.

    And that is where the TSA knows they have you screwed – some things simply are not drive-to-able, so they know they have a captive audience.

    @ Matt in FL: “And you’re supposed to give me a million dollars.” 😉

    @ Disavowed With Honor: Ooh, the sheep idea has real potential… Thankfully, we were able to pick out a line at Nashville that was not actively using the nudie machines.

    @ Weer’d Beard: Ayup, we have spent generations creating easily-programmed little drones for exactly the situations like this one. Hell with that.

    @ Snowdog: Unfortunately, we did get to hear the TSA goons, in full uniform, entertaining the Nashville travelers with Christmas carols while we were at the airport. I can only assume they were on the clock (since they were in uniform), and I am so very thankful that my tax dollars had nothing better to support.

    @ MAJMike: Fortunately or unfortunately, I decided against it – the weather at our destination was not terribly conducive to wearing a non-wool kilt… or any kilt, for that matter. Maybe next time.

  7. As a general rule, when I begin a sentence with the words “you are cordially invited,” the following infinitive verb is usually “to autofornicate.” The high probability that I would utter such a sentence to a Thuggish Sexual Assault drone has caused me to consider commercial air travel as something to undertake only in the most extreme circumstances (e.g., a close family member on his/her deathbed).

  8. 38 hr drive. There are 2 alternatives, become a recluse or get a divorce. Assuming they are inlaws

  9. That Sir, is why I am getting married either this coming spring, or this coming autumn. Wool kilt or not… I’m not that kind of fan of the cold. The good news… my kilt is of my own design for the beginning of a new family tradition, it is registered in the Scottish Registry, and the weave is being done on a 300 year old “machine”. About as traditional as one can get this day and age. The bad news… minimum order of 8 yards which costs approximately $900.00 (I need 20 yards for me, best man, groomsmen). Then there’s getting the kilt(s) made, and accessories. Fortunately the soon to be Mrs. DWH is so beautiful that I still won’t be as pretty as she is. I might end up competing with her on the kilt:dress cost ratio.

    Disavowed With Honor

  10. @ AuricTech: This was the first time I had flown in a year, give or take a little… Nine-hour drives are pretty common-place for us these days.

    @ dave w: Fortunately or not, they are my parents :).

    @ Disavowed With Honor: Sounds a bit expensive, but I am sure it will be a beautiful ceremony at the end of it. Have fun with all the sewing :).

    @ MAJMike: Among other appropriate comments…

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