just trying to help out

Dear Joan Peterson (aka “japete”),

Since you seem to be having such a hard time understanding the concept of “zombies”, much less why anyone would want to shoot them (helpful hint: THEY EAT BRAINS), I thought I might take a moment to offer you a suggestion.

Just three hours south of you in Morristown, MN, Ahlman’s Gun Shop is being kind enough to host Outbreak Omega 5, sponsored by the folks at DPMS:

DPMS’ Outbreak:Omega is the Original Zombie Shoot, and the largest. It is a non competitive 3-Gun style fun shoot. All are invited to come and try your hand at Killing Zombies!

Tons of prizes and side events, all followed by a HUGE After Party!

Apparently last year’s event was a literal and figurative blast, with plenty of zombies to whack, and a good time seems to have been had by all attendees. Given that you probably will not be participating, and are a complete neophyte when it comes to the meme, I am fairly certain the organizers would allow you to observe for free.

Even better, there would undoubtedly be folks on-hand who could educate you on the origins of “zombies” (West African Vudun and Haitian Vodou, dating back at least a century and probably even more) and how the concept got integrated into Western culture and entertainment (the novel Magic Island, by Willie Seabrook in 1929, the 1932 Bela Lugosi film White Zombie, and, of course, the unforgettable 1968 film The Night of the Living Dead, by George Romero, which, by the way, grossed a then-amazing and still-impressive $12,000,000 at the theaters), because I cannot imagine that you want to remain as ignorant as you obviously are regarding one of the most popular cultural memes of modern history. And by popular, I mean popular – since 1980, zombie-related movies have grossed over $740,000,000 total, averaging over $16 million each. Granted, werewolves have clawed their way to $1.43 billion total, and vampires have sucked $2.34 billion out of our pockets, but considering that zombies are brainless shamblers, zombie movies generally suck (if you want to be completely honest), and zombies do not sparkle or make particularly good boyfriends, that is not all that bad.

Hell, if I were as close as you are, I would totally go and compete, and I have nowhere near the right gear to do so!

So, please, do us all a favor, and, most of all, do yourself a favor and take a weekend to broaden your horizons, experience some new things, and learn some stuff you should have already known. Unless, of course, you want to go through life looking and sounding like a puritanical, clueless, ignorant, hate-filled old biddy with no comprehension of the world around her… in which case, keep up the good work!

Sincerely,

The World Around You (which seems to enjoy such things as “zombies” from time to time, and even goes so far as to find them “funny“).

(Courtesy of RomeoTangoBravo.)