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"walls of the city" logo conceptualized by Oleg Volk and executed by Linoge. Logo is © "walls of the city".

coming to a mall near you

Bit late on this, but that is better than never… Allow me to make myself as explicitly clear as I possibly can: if a mall or hotel requires me to go through so much as a metal detector, I will not visit it.

The United States is stepping up security at “soft targets” like hotels and shopping malls, as well as trains and ports, as it counters the evolving Al-Qaeda threat, a top official said Sunday.

A year after a foiled plot to bomb a US-bound passenger plane, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano told CNN’s “State of the Union” program that other places and modes of transportation must now be scrutinized.

“We look at so-called soft targets — the hotels, shopping malls, for example — all of which we have reached out to in the past year and have done a fair amount of training for their own employees,” Napolitano said.

Before we go any farther, we need to reiterate one simple point: The Transportation Security Administration (also now known as Thousands of Sexual Assaulters) has not actively stopped a single terrorist from boarding a plane. Not one. The only reason those terrorists the TSA did not stop were not successful was either their own incompetence, or quick and decisive action from their fellow passengers. In fact, the TSA fails to detect simulated explosives and bombs more often than not.

And now the Thousands of Sexual Assaulters want to bring their failed, privacy-invading, and demeaning idiocy to the mall right down the road from you.

Yeah. ‘Cause that is going to go great.

If I were in any way affiliated with an American mall, I would be coming unglued right about now – the simple fact is that people do not need malls any more. Oh, sure, they are wonderful sources of socialization, and it always helps to be able to touch and feel an item before you actually purchase it, but the vast majority of online retailers have relatively simple and inexpensive return policies for fitment errors, so the “go try it on” theory goes right out the window… and I can guarandamntee you that the average American, if given the choice between being groped and prodded and having to wait a little while longer for that pair of jeans, will just go online and cut the mall right out of the circuit.

Which, I am sure, will do wonders for the already-stagnant American economy.

Seriously, do these halfbaked morons taking up space, oxygen, and taxes in D.C. just sit around all day dreaming up ways of arbitrarily granting themselves greater power, while simultaneously driving the country farther into the ground? Here is a crazy idea, Janet: Piss. Off. We do not need your undertrained college drop-outs groping our children as we go to the local temple to commercialism, and we sure as hell do not need your failed bulldren at airports around the country. Get a real job, and stop telling other people how to live their lives for a change.

(Courtesy of MArooned, Dragon Blasts, In Jennifer’s Head, and SnarkyBytes.)

6 comments to coming to a mall near you

  • Jake

    Seriously, do these halfbaked morons taking up space, oxygen, and taxes in D.C. just sit around all day dreaming up ways of arbitrarily granting themselves greater power, while simultaneously driving the country farther into the ground?

    Yes.

    No matter how much I try to remember Hanlon’s Razor, they just keep doing too much for me to believe there’s no intentional malice involved.

    As for this, I rarely go to the mall as it is. Like you, if I ever have to go through a metal detector to go to the mall, I just won’t go. Anything I need from a mall, I can get online or at a big-box store, and if for some reason I can’t then I can probably get along without it.

  • All I can say is…amazon.com and you’re done.

    Seriously, I now make less than 1/3 the trips to Big Box Marts that I used to. There are still some things, like kitty litter, that come from there, but by and large, I take advantage to the Amazon Prime program and just have the Big Brown Truck of Happiness drop whatever it is on my doorstep. It’s quicker, I save gas and the utter frustration of dealing with their amazing customer dis-service.

    Now if there was a way to get around the grocery store, I’d be all set.

  • ZK

    This article is one of the poorly-sourced speculative email-chain types, designed to get all the conservatives angry and get traffic from the conservative blogs. It’s based on, what, one quote about how the DHS has talked to malls before, taken wildly out of context?

    In reality, this isn’t going to happen. Even the most stateist among the public don’t want to be delayed at the mall, and the mall owners and vendors know this. And the TSA doesn’t want to setup checkpoints at them, simply due to how many malls there really are in the United States.

    There are real outrages out there. They shouldn’t be off inventing them.

  • @ Jake: I have found that Hanlon’s Razor is well-balanced by Goldfinger’s Axiom: Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action. How many are we up to now?

    @ The Freeholder: My dad has always said that if he can get an oil change and a haircut online, he might never leave his house ever again… Seems, more and more, that is actually the goal of some folks in charge…

    @ ZK: I am curious, ZK – did you even look at the link, or do you consider Brietbart to be “poorly-sourced”?

    Furthermore, a year ago, any person on the street would have told you that the TSA does not want to be groping other men’s testicles.

    Today?

    There are real outrages. And there are outrages that can easily happen if we let them. An ounce of prevention and all that…

  • ZK

    @ Linoge:
    Well, Brietbart isn’t the issue; I’m more concerned about this particular article, written by “AFP” (which I guess is an AP competitor?). It’s based on a single set of comments by Our Lady Janet (who is introduced deceptively such a way that it sounds like there are other “top” sources), and frames the comments such that it sounds like she’s talking about adding TSA at malls. She isn’t. She’s talking about things like training, cameras, rent-a-cops for AMTRAK, harassing photographers etc.

    None of it’s necessarily security we want, but I’m not sure exactly how this all became “TSA pat-downs at the mall”. That’s not what anyone in the article was talking about.

  • Again, I will simply observe how the entity known as the “TSA” evolved over the past decade, and point out that what we consider to be absolutely absurd today is nothing more than common practice in a few years.