excessive copy-pasting ahead

Ever since reading his work, Freehold, I have been something of a Michael Z. Williamson fan – no great surprise there, eh? Decent writer (or, at least, hellaciously better than me, which, granted, is no large task), strong small-l-libertarian leanings, a healthy respect of and for self-reliance and self-defense, gun enthusiast… hell, I can even forgive him for being chAir Force (term used entirely in jest – he has put in over 20 already, and served in life-threatening places I only saw from sea). Well, in my stumbling about the internet today, I happened to chance across this wonderful list of things one must believe in to believe in gun control, and Mr. Williamson’s copy here. Favorites are quoted below, but they are all bloody priceless:

That incidents where people shoot criminals in self defense are very rare, and shouldn’t be used as excuses to own guns, just as incidents where presidential press secretaries are shot are very rare, and shouldn’t be used as excuses to ban guns.

That a gun with an 11 round magazine is dangerous, but a gun with fifteen 10 round magazines is much safer.

That if there’d been a gun aboard American Airlines Flight 93, someone could have been hurt.

That rapists prefer to attack armed women so they can take the guns and use them against the victims.

That you should rely on police in lieu of your gun, just as you should rely on a dentist in lieu of your toothbrush.

That car keys, umbrellas and hairspray are good tools for self-defense, despite the fact that police continue to carry guns.

That Washington DC’s low murder rate of 80.6 per 100,000 is due to strict gun control, but Arlington, Virginia’s high murder rate of 1.6 per 100,000 is attributable to the lack of gun control.

That assault rifles are “underpowered” for hunting, but can “punch through police body armor.” More powerful hunting rifles, however, cannot.

That we don’t need the Second Amendment or arms to protect our Constitution, but should instead use the courts and the government system, just as we did in 1776.

That a police officer under 21 shouldn’t be able to buy a gun for off duty use, because his competence depends on that blue jacket.

That people buy guns as “substitute penises,” because they know that only people with small penises ever get attacked by criminals.

That families with children should not be allowed to own guns for safety reasons, just as they aren’t allowed to own dogs, power tools, or toxic chemicals.

That it’s wrong to politicize that the World Trade Center attackers didn’t need guns to hijack a plane, but okay to politicize that the Columbine killers bought guns…illegally.

That when someone dies because they couldn’t get a drug the government won’t approve, it’s tragic, but when someone dies because they couldn’t defend themselves with a gun the government won’t approve, that’s just life.

That the “Reasonable” uses for guns are hunting and target shooting, but not self-defense. In other words, it’s acceptable to use them as toys but not as lifesaving devices.

That intelligent people should support gun control because they realize they are too stupid to be trusted with guns.

That if honest people give up their weapons, the criminals and dictators will give up theirs, as Chicago street gangs and Hitler have demonstrated.

That rifles are useless in a world of fighter planes and nukes, just as automobiles are useless in a world of 747s.

That many “supporters of Second Amendment rights” endorse “reasonable gun control,” just like many “supporters of First Amendment rights” endorse “reasonable media control.”

That keeping a gun for self-defense implies a desire to shoot someone, just as keeping matches and having homeowner’s insurance implies a desire to be an arsonist.

That a punk wakes up one morning, and thinks, “Gee, instead of robbing, raping, sodomizing and killing a young woman, why don’t I turn my $400 gun in for $20 and a pizza and go work at McDonald’s?”

That one can sue a store for having a slick floor, falling ceilings, and sharp corners, but if they refuse to let you bring a gun in and you get shot by a criminal, they aren’t liable for enforcing that rule with others.

That ordinary people, in the presence of guns, turn into slaughtering butchers, and revert to normal when the weapon is removed.

That modern design firearms contain features such as box magazines and fiberglass stocks, which were designed for military use and shouldn’t be available to civilians, just as modern design automobiles contain features such as rack and pinion steering and McPherson struts, which were designed for the race track and shouldn’t be available to civilians.

That the “right of the people peaceably to assemble,” the “right of the people to be secure in their homes,” “the enumeration herein of certain rights shall not be construed to disparage others retained by the people,” “The powers not delegated herein are reserved to the states respectively, and to the people,” refer to individuals, but “the right of the people to keep and bear arms” refers to the states.

That free speech entitles one to own newspapers, transmitters, computers, and typewriters, but self defense only justifies bare hands.

That the gun lobby’s attempt to run a “don’t touch” campaign about kids handling guns is propaganda, and the anti-gun lobby’s attempt to run a “don’t touch” campaign is responsible social activity.

That we don’t need guns against an oppressive government, because the Constitution has internal safeguards, so we should ban and seize all guns, therefore violating the 2nd, 4th, 5th and 9th Amendments of that Constitution, and won’t thereby become an oppressive government.

That guns cause crime, which is why there has never been a mass slaying at a gun show.

That guns cause crime, just like matches cause arson.

That guns cause crime, just like women cause prostitution.

That guns cause crime, just like men cause rape.

That most people can’t be trusted, so we should have laws against guns, which most people will abide by, because they can be trusted.

That the ACLU is good because it uncompromisingly defends certain parts of the Constitution, but the NRA is bad because it defends other parts of the Constitution.

That calling 911 and asking them to send a man with a gun to protect you is good, but cutting out the middleman by protecting yourself is bad.

That people who own guns out of a fear of crime are paranoid, but people who don’t want other people to own guns in case it causes them to commit crimes are rational.

That teaching abstinence exclusively rather than use of condoms is doomed to fail, but encouraging absolute bans on guns rather than education in safe use is the only acceptable method of reducing crime.

That guns are the gravest threat to society because 83,000,000 gun owners didn’t commit a crime yesterday.

That the piecemeal destruction of the right to keep and bear arms makes the right useless, and therefore justifies destroying it further.

That manufacturers are not responsible for damages caused by their products, unless that product is a gun.

That private citizens making private sales of private property is a “loophole.”

That making it harder to get a license to sell firearms legally will reduce the number of people selling illegally.

That we must close shooting ranges because of the noise, but ban silencers because they are quiet.

That owning a gun for self-defense indicates an intent to kill, just like owning a first aid kit indicates an intent to impersonate a physician.

That the 14th Amendment requires states to accept each other’s drivers licenses, even with age or vision requirement differences, marriage licenses even with age or relationship differences or if it’s a gay marriage, but somehow doesn’t apply to licenses to carry weapons.

That it’s safer with less guns, which is why lunatics shoot up schools instead of gun shows or police stations.

That oppressing gun owners until they violate the law justifies oppressing them further.

That inner-city blacks in public housing should be disarmed to prevent crimes, but not rich white suburbanites. And it isn’t a sign of racism.

That gun owners are a threat by existing that must be destroyed by any means possible and their rights are unimportant, but the thugs who attack us on the street whom the gun owners wish to be armed against are simply a problem we have to put up with.

That one should judge all gun owners by the acts of a few criminals, just like one should judge all blacks by the acts of a few inner-city crack dealers.

That it’s tragic when a child dies in a firearms accident, and we must pass restrictive laws to prevent it, but children poisoned by household chemicals are simply unavoidable accidents.

That you don’t need a gun, therefore no one needs one, and you have the right to impose that belief and will on others.

That stupidity can be cured by legislation.

That since a gun isn’t 100% effective for self defense, you should get rid of it, along with your first aid kit and fire extinguisher, since they aren’t 100% effective, either.

That if a violent criminal enters your house, you should do nothing and wait for the police arrive, just as you’d do nothing for an injury or fire and wait for the fire truck or the ambulance.

That one accidental death is too many, but thousands of people dying because the means of self-defense were not available is unavoidable and not worthy of worry.

That we should ban guns because people have a “right to feel safe,” but the right to feel safe by owning firearms for defense is not valid.

That the dangers of guns outweigh their recreational uses, unlike alcohol and motorcycles.

That telling a murderer he’ll go to jail for carrying a gun will make him think twice.

That the only way to end gun violence is to ban guns, just like the only way to end medical malpractice is to ban doctors.

That guns are designed only to kill, just like women are designed only to give birth.

That we should ban guns because their primary purpose is to kill people, but we shouldn’t ban alcohol, which has its primary purpose getting intoxicated and losing control of the higher faculties, thereby increasing violence and accidental death.

That most people are seething cauldrons of potential violence who cannot be trusted with a gun, but most people are so decent that there is no need to carry a weapon for defense.

That a person foolish enough to leave a gun loaded and lying in reach of a child will somehow be responsible enough to attach a trigger lock.

That 83 million gun owners are “extremists,” and the 50,000 members of the Million Moron March are “the majority.”

That allowing concealed carry does not reduce crime through deterrence since some people do so even though it’s illegal, but allowing concealed carry increases crime, because more people carry guns and use them irresponsibly.

That a gun which sits silently in a drawer and costs pennies per round to shoot is a bad idea for self defense, but a dog that requires walks, veterinary care, and licenses, may not be allowed in certain neighborhoods and may annoy the neighbors at all hours is a good idea for self defense.

That “assault weapons” have no purpose other than to kill large numbers of people, which is why the police need them.

That the number of accidental and suicidal deaths by drugs should not be included in statistics, but the number of accidental and suicidal deaths by guns should be.

That a single .50 caliber bullet can bring down an airliner, but the Air Force chooses to waste money on rapid fire 20mm cannon and missiles for this purpose, while the Army prefers missiles such as the Patriot.

That the only reason to own a firearm silencer is for quiet assassinations, just like the only reason to own a car muffler is to clandestinely run over civilians.

© 2005 by Michael Z. Williamson. Permission is granted to copy for non-profit use as long as proper credit is given. Please contact the author when you do, through www.MichaelZWilliamson.com. It is preferred that this © notice be attached. For online fora that will reject copyrighted works, please note the source in text.

Ok… so I had a lot of favorites. Either way, it is astounding to me how many of these reality disconnects, logical fallacies, and irrational “arguments” one can still find running wild in the world… and how many of them occur simultaneously within the same person/organization – you would think that much concetrated stupid focused in one location like that would cause some manner of self-contained rip in the space-time continuum, or somesuch like that.
Also, who knew Mr. Williamson made sharp, pointy things? And helps you build custom AR15s? Simply put, shiny!