Who would have thought that trying to give the government your money (or, rather, have the government steal your money) would be so difficult? Last year, Better Half and I filed a joint return, which made sense, and still does, since we were married, and it tends to work better in terms of deductions, IRAs, and all the rest of that good stuff. For some reason or another, her name and Social Security Number (you know, they really should change that thing’s name to the National Identification Number – that is all it has become) ended up being filled in as the "taxpayer", while my name and SSN was listed as the "dependant".
… Hush, you.
Well, April 15 is rolling around this year, and we gathered up all of our documentation, filled in all of the appropriate (electronic) paperwork through TurboTax, and shot the whole kaboodle off to the Federal Babysitt… er… Government, for them to take our hard-earned money from us. A day later, the bloody thing bounced. It turns out that the government does not actually want my money. Could have fooled me. Unfortunately, them returning my… return does not save me from having to pay taxes, so I had to figure out what on God’s Green Earth upset the almighty Infernal Retardation Service.
Long story short, it bounced simply because, on this year’s return, I listed myself as the "taxpayer", and Better Half as the "dependant".
… ‘scuse me? Well, it turns out that the databasing system that the IRS uses either cannot tell when people are married, or is stupid enough to not check both names against each other when comparing the "taxpayer" and "dependant" information. Apparently, both sets of data on two separate tax returns have to exactly match… If you flip them, even if the two people are the same exact people, with the same exact names, and the same exact Universal Tracking Number, the system is too bloody slow to actually realize that.
This is indicative of nothing more than monumental stupidity when it comes to designing databases, and something that someone who bothered to take even a single course in database design would have caught, corrected, and moved on. Am I surprised that the government, in its infinite wisdom and capacity, failed to do so? No, not really. But it annoys me to no end.
That, and I appear to be stuck with Better Half being the breadwinner of the family, at least according to the government. … You know, come to think of it, I can live with that.
Followup: Unfortunately, this was not the sole problem with the situation. In order to e-file with TurboTax, one has to provide all of your personal information, as well as one’s Adjusted Gross Income from last year, such that the IRS pinheads can confirm that you are who you say you are – an electronic signature, so to speak. While the AGI we enter is exactly the same as the one that is listed on our 2005 return, the paperwork continues to bounce. What is worse is that it continues to ask for my AGI… not Better Half’s, not ours, but mine. When one files jointly, there is no individual AGI – you would think that the IRS would know that. However, considering that my father is, in fact, a rocket scientist, and still has a hard time figuring out his taxes, it would not surprise me if the IRS itself could not keep track of all of the various rules and regulations it has on the books.
Despite my fervent and ardent patriotism, there are times that really make me want to live somewhere else… if anywhere else was any better.
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